Joey

There's this girl I know called Joey. I love her a lot. When I kiss her I feel the safest and happiest I've been in a long long time. That's not bullshit either, although I guess I can't prove it or anything. I know though, and it's good enough for me.
She's an odd girl, she's a writer and is in to lots of the same weirdo shit I am. She's intelligent and challenging and charming and totally gorgeous. She's the sort of girl I'd dream of knowing.

She's had her share of trouble with people being pretty bloody shit with her, and she'll admit that she's been left with trust issues because of it. Not least because her last boyfriend (Hello there by the way..if you are as creepy as I think you are, enjoy the blog), who seems like a total mindfuck from what I hear. She tells me that I'm really helping her a lot though, just by being fair with her. I'm really glad I can help her..

I told her the other week that I love her.. I don't think she got how serious I was until later.. I guess it was my fault for telling her while she was drunk. Yeah I chose the wrong moment. Sue me.
She wrote a blog about it later about how she felt the same way but didn't know when she could say it.. I didn't know if I wanted her to though because well..there's Nat.

Nat and Joey have been together since before I knew them, in a totally non-exclusive way, obviously, how else would you explain me? She made it pretty clear to me that me and her and her and Nat would be going on concurrently, and I was okay with that. I figured it might get a bit impractical at some stage if we were ever all in a room together, but whatever. Joey put it best when she said that we should just both have fun before she left for Germany.

Yeah well from reading earlier paragraphs you should already know it got complicated.

Complicated as hell.

So the way we felt about each other changed, but the original agreement stayed..stays actually. I actually asked her out after a bit, we seemed to be getting pretty serious and the idea of other people started to bother me.. So I asked her. She seemed troubled by it though.. She told me that she really wanted to have it be just me and her, but that she was afraid of something like her last relationship happening again... after a while though I sort of pestered her into saying yes nad then felt pretty bad about it.
40 minutes later she texted me and took it back, she couldn't do it.

I'm getting off the point, we got more and more serious, up until the point were she felt like she had to tell Nat about me, well, that and the fact that we three would all be in the same place a week later.. I thought she was going to go break it off with her. They hadn't been getting on so well..

Of course she wasn't going there to break it off with her and she got drunk and danced away with her and then came over to my house. The next day she told me what actually happened.. Ugh I'm an idiot.

I wasn't really happy about it.. they were together.. they were kissing each other..it hurt too, even though we are totally allowed go off and do whatever with whoever we want to.. Suddenly I really really dreaded her 21st.

I asked her to not kiss her in front of me. You know. Out of sight out of mind and all of that. And she said she wouldn't.. but she did and it hurt, it hurt a lot. It led to a lot of questions. Ones I had to ask myself, like if it hurt so much, why was I bothering to stick around? Why would I put myself through that? What was so special about this one girl that I'd be willing to watch her being kissed and fondled and still stay with her in the end?

And yeah, it's because I'd fallen in love with her.. and now I think I'm going around in circles..

On Friday they went to a party together and shared a room at a hotel.. I asked Jeoy if she was going to sleep with her and she said she didn't know. She asked me if I wanted to know if they did, even if it hurt me to know.. I guess knowing wasn't what hurt me in the end. It was them having sex that hurt me. She told me that evening while laying on my bed.. She asked why I hadn't asked and then answered with "I'm sorry" when I did. I think she was afraid of hurting me. I was upset for a long time and I think that upset her too. She asked me why it hurt so much..
"Because when you're with her, you want her, not me."

She told me she never stops wanting me, but that's not how it feels when I see her with someone else.

That's it really, I'm in love with a girl who has this other girl to do things with and whenever they do I feel..replaced almost.. Useless..

She said she loves me the other week..while we were laying in bed.. She says I make her feel like she can trust people again, and I believe everything she's said.