School's out

"He didn't use to get girls, now he drills a new one each week!"

Thank you spam mail for giving me that mental image of some sort of crazed serial killer who drills holes in women's heads.

Ugh, why am I sitting in the dark listening to Radiohead and reading SA? I should be sleeping, but I'll write first. The music must change though.

A lot of shit is changing on me right now weather I want any of it to or not... I haven't slept in a bed in 2 months, or a good nights sleep in longer.. I graduate tomorrow, and then I'll be coming back here instead of going out because my entire class is skipping it. I get to talk to someone awesome here, though, so that's ok.. I'm not sure if we'll be talking about the nicest stuff.

In the last few years I've seen some pretty fucked up stuff.. stuff that made me lose faith in a lot of things, I've been attacked and robbed and belittled and ignored.. I watched that cat die, I saw two men beat up an old drunk in the street, I had my heart broken, I had breakdowns and episodes. I watched the sun come up with a cat on my roof, with a stomach full of whiskey, because I couldn't stand sitting inside an empty house with no one to talk to or be around. My best friend stopped talking to me, with out warning or provocation... I don't know why..

Things sort of lost their appeal after a while, that little confident grin I used to wear went away.. It's hard to believe in yourself when it's pretty clear no one else does. I ended up fucking up and wasting a year of my life, I spent months doing nothing but going to and from work, working and drinking. Yeah that was pretty fucking dark, I don't think I've ever felt as unsafe and threatened (without being actually threatened) in my entire life as I did then.

Fucking.. I'm rambling. Things got better. Things got really better. Just one person has managed to restore so much of the faith I've lost. She's helped me heal after years and years of constantly doubting myself, of being so afraid of being a failure. And now even that is changing.

And now I don't know what to do.. and I don't know what to say. And I can't do anything until I have some sort of direction or something solid to hold on to, I don't even have a bed to sleep in.

Musics for this week from last fm, cos I hate ending blogs on negative notes;

1 Radiohead – Myxomatosis (Judge, Jury & Executioner)
1 KoRn – 11 - Liar

Shite it was a tie this week.

I'm going to bed. I can't be awake.